Motherhood & Marriage: It’s much more than mush…

There is absolutely nothing like motherhood. I literally can stare at my son while he sleeps and gaze upon his sweet little face with gratefulness. I can embrace him in my arms and cuddle with him like there’s no tomorrow. I remember when I would do that to my hubby and get the same mushy feelings. Then one day the mush eventually turned into much more. It got exchanged for a deeper love and commitment that is built on substance after weathering many storms together. Some stares/ gazes occasionally include those of frustration and misunderstandings… that comes with the territory sometimes. This was the reality for Michael recently. I was exhausted which then made me irritable. Every conversation included a complaint and a stubborn stare. You know the kind that includes the “side-eye” look of annoyance? God convicted our hearts during a frustrating family meeting we had this week as we were planning out schedules and such. Things got uneasy in my stubbornness when we began speaking about our days of intimacy. Yes you totally read that right. So after having our son, we decided to plan out our days of physical intimacy so that we would not get caught up with parent duties and neglect that area. If you’re not intentional it won’t happen. We’ve found that planning days of intimacy really work for us especially for me so I could mentally, emotionally and even physically prepare. So back to the meeting: Everything in me wanted to bypass that area. I felt Justified in my 10-point reasoning as to why intimacy was just not gonna fit into my busy to-do list that week. “I do this, this and this…. I’m tired, I’ve got too much to take care of this week”, and blah blah blah. I was being inward focused point blank period. Any blessing can add heat to a home. HOW? That’s because God intends for us to decrease as He increases and brings increase into our lives and with that we sometimes have a hard time decreasing if we can just be honest. When a precious baby is added to marriage it really shows you what areas needs to be dealt with. Sometimes it’s selfishness, silly and unstable hormones, and sometimes it’s a broken root system or mentality. Either way, God wants to work it out of us. Michael and I have experienced both sides of the pendulum in our parenting journey so far these past 9 months. We’re just two Jesus loving big kids figuring this marriage, ministry and parenthood process out.

I’m an exclusively breastfeeding mama and our son literally won’t take a bottle, which means that throughout the day I’m nursing him constantly and to be honest sometimes I’m literally all touched out by the end of the day lol! After breastfeeding all day I just want my body back to myself… I don’t want kisses, hugs or any other type of affection from my hubby after a long day of baby cuddles unless I can mentally prep for it well in advance. These are the moments when I have to ask God for an outward focused heart to serve and love according to my husband’s need through touch even when I don’t “feel” like it. These feelings also have a deeper root. A seed of uncertainty that was planted when I was a little girl. In my entire childhood, I can literally only recall my moment of my parents kissing in front of us… seriously only ONE time and it was pretty awkward and seemed a bit forced sadly. I believe that confused me early on about affection in marriage. Sometimes I struggle to understand what total affection is supposed to look like, feel like, be like over all so i pray a lot for a surrendered heart in the area and God always comes through with wisdom through his word and through transparent wifey friends of mine! The reality is that marriage is so much more that mushy kisses and hugs and cuddles. The cross shows me that. Jesus death on the cross convicts me at my core that love is about giving. It’s about dying to our way for the sake of God’s perfect will to be done. When Christ died and resurrected, he purchased the church with his precious blood and He calls those who have repented and been baptized into Christ his bride. As His bride we walk according to his word and we die daily to our way. It’s the same in a marriage between man and woman. It’s about cultivation. The physical pleasures of marriage often expose what’s lacking in the spiritual. It’s more than the feel good stuff, but the feel good stuff starts at the heart of serving. Physical intimacy truly is a beautiful grace gifted to us by God for those who are married. Intimacy, both spiritually and physically is about loving one another and serving one another as unto the Lord. It’s embracing hearts as well as hands. It’s locking eyes with one another’s souls and not just through sight. It’s having tough conversation and reconnecting anyways. It’s fighting the good fight even on long and sleepless nights. Motherhood comes easy and natural sometimes, because there is just something so sweet and simple about serving a precious baby that you prayed for.

My prayer today is that God would establish a sweetness just like that to all marriages. We too prayed for our spouses before God gave them to and now we must learn how to tend to our marriage so intentionally just as we do in our motherhood role. We fabulously wear both hats at all times, but the marriage and wife hat supersede mommy hat most certainly. This I believe is the order: Christ, Marriage, Children, Others…

I pray that God would reestablish hearts for spouses who have forgotten what it feels like to gaze upon each other’s beauty. I pray that God would reestablish hearts and even reconnect hands that have not been held by one another in a while. I pray for forgiveness to take place in homes where hurts have been hindering wholeness for way too long. I pray for the marriages that have taken blows at the core and are fighting to get back up. You beloved are resilient in Christ Jesus and God can resurrect a dead marriage. I pray that God would bring sweetness where things have been sour and that he would bring strength where things have been unstable. Our spouses are a precious gift from God just like our sweet babies; don’t forget to cultivate and nurture your covenant. These are the kind of cuddles our marriages need: I’ll call them Christ-centered or spiritual cuddles. When we decide to crucify our flesh and push past pride we are spiritually cuddling our spouse. When we choose to confront the enemy’s lies and attacks against our spouse, we are spiritually cuddling our spouse. When we choose to not keep records of wrong and let go of contention, we are spiritually cuddling with our spouse. When we choose to celebrate the good things about our spouse and not complain and nag about what they’re not doing, we again are choosing to spiritually cuddle with our spouse. I believe that both graces or intimacy are amongst the few things that Satan is after in our marriages. We need faith that pushes us past the mushy ideology of marriage. Marriage takes intentional work. This work will produce a harvest eventually if do not give up (Galatians 6:9).

One thing motherhood has taught me is that I better get really good at these spiritual cuddles because in case you didn’t know, physical intimacy definitely changes in consistency after having a baby (for a season at least), but that doesn’t mean intimacy has to decrease too. Intimacy is in its own special category of “cuddles”. I’ve also learned that I better be rooted and established in Christ at all times, because the enemy despises Godly marriages the emulate Christ and the church (His Bride). I know that sometimes it’s a lot easier to desire the mushy moments of marriage and even motherhood, but do not despise the difficult parts of both seasons. Don’t fail to push through the hard moments; in the push, you will find a persistence in persevering together as one flesh and yalls ability to produce a powerful partnership in marriage will pour into you more than you could have imagined! The mush is nice and all, but it doesn’t compare to the beauty you’ll discovered in the process of pushing. Think back to the day you delivered your sweet baby/babies…Remember when you were ready to push because it was the only thing that brought relief from all the contractions?! Yessss, pushing in marriage brings a sweet relief in the process too! So keep pushing, keep praying, keep gazing upon the goodness of God and His word as your standard and keep making googly-eyes with the one who God gave you in marriage. Keep “cuddling” with your hubby both spiritually and physically because one day we and our spouses will grow old just like our little ones and we’ll miss those sweet substance-filled mushy moments with them too. Embrace one another today while embracing every opportunity to grow. There’s truly nothing like motherhood and marriage. Both can bring out the best in you if you can allow God to use these two beautiful blessings to do so. Never stop cultivating your marriage through acts of service, honor, love, tenderness and selflessness. Just like you would do anything for that sweet baby you carried for 10 months (yep pregnancy is not 9 months… someone lied to us hehe) go do the same with the same heart posture for your partner! Say “I do” a thousand times again and go “do” what God is asking of you! You’ll be so grateful you did and still doing what you once vowed you would do!

As Valentine’s Day approaches us, don’t find yourself caught up in the mushy fluff of the day. And sis don’t you dare think about complaining or comparing your hubby’s gift to you with what so and so’s boo thang got her. Stay in your lane, remember what matters most, find ways to serve and stay fixated on “cuddles that cultivate”, seevingvone another, and finding ways to connect hearts and not just what each hands can give one another. Though there is an inner child in us that enjoys the mush of love, lets get to the meat of marriage and ride this journey out with some sweet substance! In God’s kingdom everyday we celebrate love and every day we enjoy precious gifts given to us by God. So cheers to another opportunity to reflect, grow and go make our marriages just as sweet as the cuddles we obsess over from our babies. Cheering you on one couple and cuddle at a time!

Be loved abundantly,

-Amy Isom